November 18, 2019
Live. Laugh. Love
I want to start this off by saying materialistic items are NOT inherently bad. There is nothing wrong with working hard, and buying yourself something you have always wanted. Heck, if you follow me on Instagram (@reenfit4life) then you know that I love fashion and shopping. I love putting outfits together in my head, and then going on a hunt to find what I want. This is my way of expressing my creative side. My niece Madison is the same way, and we love getting together for an epic mall trip! My sister always comments saying “Wow! You really are good at this!” I have recently helped her revamp her wardrobe. Do you want to know the best part? It has nothing to do with the fact that she no longer dresses like a 60-year-old woman LOL. It is her newfound confidence! I love fashion because I love what it can do for women. My grand mom used to say, “If you look good, you feel good.” As women, we are already so hard on ourselves, and the way we look. Our eyes are often drawn immediately to what we don’t like about ourselves versus what we love. Confidence is such an attractive quality! I love seeing women rock an amazing outfit that they feel good in. The problem arises when we find ourselves buying things to fit in or feeling like any object will lead to happiness. There was a time I was buying certain items to show the world I was doing “ok.” I honestly don’t regret every purchase I made. I actually love knowing that when I die I will leave Madison with a trunk full of vintage purses, and memories of many mall trips. That said, if my house burned down today, and I lost every single item I ever bought I’d be fine. Things mean absolutely nothing to me. Over the years, I have learned that any small feeling of happiness attached to an inanimate object would quickly fade. There is so much good I could have done for the world with the money I used on the purchases I do in fact regret. I often joke saying I wish I could throw these red bottom shoes out the window while driving. Yep, I bought them. Four pairs of shoes that hurt so bad you want to chop your pinky toes off. Again, nothing inherently wrong with the shoes, but I know I bought them to prove something to the world. I’m here. I made it. I make enough money to buy red bottom shoes.That’s embarrassing, and really hard to admit. Maybe that’s why I struggled this week to even open my laptop. As the years went by, and my inner snob grew, I longed for the time in my life where I didn’t know what high-end name brands were. I kid you not. I felt this way. I could justify my actions by saying that my increase in snobbery didn’t affect my generosity, but to justify it at all seems wrong. I will say this. Often, we don’t realize why our behavior is wrong until we are far away from the time the events took place. I remember leaving the bar with my friend and her boyfriend with one of the very painful pairs of shoes in my hand as we stepped out onto the oh so clean streets of Philly. He shouted “Look at the girl who spent a thousand-dollars on shoes, and now they are in her hand.” Seriously though… these dumb shoes should feel like walking on clouds for that amount of money. The good news is that no matter how much money I made or what I could now afford never caused me to ever ever look down on anyone who didn’t “own” certain items. I never felt better than anyone else in my life. I always kept the mentality I had since birth and truly just loved all people. As I got older, and really started to heal from feeling financially inadequate, that quote in the bible started to make so much sense. I have to pause here to look it up. Most of us cradle-Catholics aren’t so great at quoting the bible LOL. “Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God." I get this. The more money we make, the more money we go after. The more materialistic items we buy, the more we want. Our minds are now consumed with so many outside thoughts we can lose sight of what really matters. Our focus will undoubtedly shift, and if we aren’t aware of it, we can’t refocus. It is my belief that the devil will always find ways to distract us. The closer we get to attaining peace the harder he will work to drag you back. This applies to any situation in life. It is natural to focus on the things we don’t have instead of focusing on all the gifts we have been given. A busy mind keeps us comfortable. It is difficult to sit alone with our thoughts. Many people are not comfortable totally alone. I myself often struggle to sit still, but I can say I am ok alone. I spend a fair amount of time alone, and it has lead me to a deep understanding of myself, and where I have been in life. For years on end I avoided being alone. I spent time alone, but I never allowed my thoughts to go where they needed to be to really heal. I was distracted with guys, friends, work, success, my body image, and trying to attain “more.” I am writing this part of the blog on a Saturday while I wait for the laundry to get done, and then I am going to the mall. That is ironic,right? You don’t necessarily have to give up fully who you are or what you enjoy to better yourself. I no longer buy anything to fit in, or prove something to the world. I enjoy fashion, and if I want something, I think about why I want it versus just buying it for the sake of buying it. I have given so much away, and will continue to do so. Sometimes I just go to the mall to window shop because fashion is really the only “art” activity I have any interest in LOL. I needed to get to a place in my life where I was honest with myself about these things. I remember when I was having my kitchen island built, and the guy who was designing it had me go shopping with him for the granite. I was dressed to the nines, which included a pair of the red bottoms. He said to me, “Do you think people buy those shoes, so that people notice the red bottom?” At the time I said “No.” I thought nothing of it that day, but since that moment, my response has changed. I think I was offended back then, but I enjoy comments, and people that make me “level up.” My reactions may not always indicate this to the people on the other end, but I do. I enjoy being pushed to examine my flaws. In the past, I avoided my flaws because I was hurting, and thinking about my flaws would lead me to self-hatred. I wasn’t in the right mindset to love myself while changing. This is probably a good time to point out that my reactions to a lot of Eric’s words and actions would have been much different had they happened today. I was often really offended, and hurt by the things he said. I would shut down and run away. I am not defending all of what was said and done, but I can also see what Idid wrong.There was a time in my life I couldn’t take a birds eye view. Eric taking me shopping to buy more expensive items for a wedding made me feel inadequate, but that right there is the ticket. I allowed myself to feel this way. I wasn’t secure enough in who I was to know that I was valued and worthy beyond my physical appearance, no matter how much money I made and what I owned. This man I was dating was not my best friend. Our conversations were shallow, and we lacked vulnerability. This combination for me was lethal. I couldn’t function properly, and I was often on edge. As I make another abrupt stop in my writing, I must admit, all of this has helped me along my journey of self-love, self-awareness, and more importantly closer to God. My mind races as I approach another week of writing, but at the same time I know writing what is “real” is more important than writing something I don’t have 100% confidence in. With that said, I know I have stopped short again, but this journey is surely worth the wait!
This week I challenge us to take a closer look at how we compensate to "fit in." Do you exemplify behaviors to prove something to the world around you?
"Why fit in when you were born to standout!" - Dr. Seuss
To Be Continued……
All My Love,
Reenie