November 5, 2019
Live. Laugh. Love
In 2010 when I started working in sales, my life changed dramatically. I started making more money, and was thrust into an entirely different world of materialism. I never aspired to make a ton of money or travel the world. I have to admit, I kind of lived in a bubble, and simply had the standard dream of getting married and having kids. I had little understanding of just how important finances actually were. I grew up in a regular, middle class home where we didn’t really “want” for anything. That said, we were certainly not spoiled by any means. Well, to be fair, my mom definitely spoiled us emotionally LOL. She stayed home with us, and did everything a mom on a show like “Leave it to Beaver” would do. She made us every meal, and when we came home from school, there was always a snack on the table. I would call my mom every day (even in high school) asking what was for dinner. Oh that burning question haha. When Rob and I got engaged, I thought nothing of the fact that we were going to pack up, and move to Nashville, so he could pursue his dreams. When we went there to visit, and looked at houses, I was absolutely clueless about what it meant to purchase a home. I always worked, and by the time I graduated college, I was debt free (within a year). Looking back, I realize how very lucky I am to have my parents. I wish I realized this much sooner in life. I didn’t have the luxury of moving home with my parents after college, but because my dad made me pay for everything if I wanted to live off campus, I already knew how to pay all my own bills. However, he paid for my tuition, and that has helped to make me feel extremely lucky to have him as my dad. Did I mention I went to college for five years? As a nursing student you need a C+ to continue into your clinical rotation. After a wild weekend up at Penn State, I tried using the process of osmosis to pass my Pathophysiology final. Long story short, I fell asleep on my book. No prayers from my mom could help Michele or I pass. Luckily, I got into Nursing school (year five included) with my best friend in the world. I cannot remember if my dad even asked why he was forking out money for a fifth year. My parents never spent money on anything luxurious. My dad fixed our cars until they absolutely died, and if he purchased a car it was with cash. We didn’t go on any fancy vacations, and if we stopped at a hotel, it was a Howard Johnson. Do those even exist anymore? I could have learned a lot about money from my dad when I was younger, but it took about 27 years for me to see the method of his madness. He used to always tell me to have enough money, so that no one could tell me what to do. We are quite similar in that way. I always hate when someone tries to tell me what to do. This has lead me to a great understanding of the physicians I work with, and that is why I try to make them think anything I want them to do… is their idea HAHA.
Dating Eric completely changed my mentality when it came to money. Yeah his name was Eric. If he reads this, or his family reads this… what do I care?! Writing out “guy friend” is tedious, and at the end of the day, this is my story, not his. It is my life, and my perspective. If he wants to blog about his side, he can certainly use my name. I remember attending a wedding with Eric on Kiawah Island. His family had money, and he was not to be faulted for this. We all grow up differently, and having money doesn’t make anyone a bad person. It is not bad to want to be financially stable, and desire the freedom that comes with having enough money to do what you want. At the time of the wedding I was a nurse. Being a nurse is a damn good job, and it is one that should be thought of in high regard. We help save lives, dammit! I have mentioned before that in this relationship I felt inadequate, and I did. Now some of this was my own mental immaturity. I was not yet in a place of realizing I ultimately controlled how I felt. It was me who allowed people’s words to make me feel this way. Eric never said that I should switch careers to make more money, but when he brought me shopping for this family wedding, and had me trying on expensive shoes and dresses, I felt embarrassed. I honestly cannot remember if I let him buy me the dress that is still in my closet today. We went into Coach and Ferragamo to look for a purse, and shoes. I had enough pride to not let him buy me anything at either store, but did buy a purse myself that I could carry. If you have never heard of Ferragamo, their heels run anywhere from 3-7 hundred dollars. I couldn’t afford anything close to that, and I was not about to let him buy me anything from that store. Here I was with the BCBG dress, & new Coach “clutch” feeling anything, but good about myself. During the wedding, another guest asked me if my heels were Christian Louboutin’s. I remember a sinking feeling in my gut as I said “No.” I will repeat this many times throughout the blog, but I allowed myself to feel this way. Things can add up over time, and take a toll on us in ways we cannot imagine. Perhaps I already felt worthless after having Rob lied to me for months on end. Even though I was so incredibly grateful I called off my wedding, I was still in emotional agony that would stay locked up for years. I had never linked my self-worth to money or materialistic items, but now I was starting to. When I first met Eric’s sister, she asked me if I drove a Porsche. I responded by saying, “You do know I am a nurse, right?” I must say though that I actually love his sister, and I am still friends with her today. She may say some snobby things, but she is actually quite relatable, and down to Earth. She was never mean or fake, and our friendship was always quite organic.
It is quite easy to point out what another has done wrong in a relationship, but it is important for true growth to recognize how you contributed to the problems. This process can be uncomfortable, and as human beings we all long to keep our ego in tact. I had a lot of trouble communicating at this time, and to be quite frank, I am not sure I would have even been able to convey how I felt anyway. I wasn’t self-aware enough to really know how I felt, and why I was feeling this way. At this point in life, every traumatic life event and negative feeling was put away in a little mental box, and placed way back in my brain on a shelf I couldn’t reach. Compartmentalizing was the name of the game, and I was getting good at it.
Obviously there is much more to this part of the story, but I am ending this week here. Shredz is going to straight up murder me. I sent her what was written above, and warned her that it just stops with no conclusion. She started giving me ideas on which direction to go with this subject, and we are on the same page. She is cheating a bit because she knows the ending of each story hahaha. The problem is that it is quite hard to wrap up years of healing in one post. Sometimes a post will leave the readers "hanging." I don't do this on purpose, but life duties call, and for now I have to manage everything I can to the best of my ability. Maybe someday I will get more time to write!! That would be lovely LOL. We will continue to walk down the path of my internal conflict next week.
I wish I had a great challenge for us this week, but I am on the struggle bus. Maybe we should each look in our closets, and get rid of one or two things that no longer serve us? Lori, and my niece Madison will benefit from me doing this haha.
"We must rapidly begin the shift from a thing-oriented society to a person-oriented society." Martin Luther King Jr.
To Be Continued……
AllMy Love,
Reenie