June 6, 2021
Live. Laugh. Love
Have you ever wondered how someone going through a difficult time has the strength to move forward with his, or her faith in tact? When tragedy strikes how do we keep the faith? The most tragic event I can imagine is when a parent must bury their child. It is backwards to say the least, and no parent should ever have to go through that. It seems that this is something many non-believers will bring up in their argument about the possibility that there is no God. If there is a God why do kids get cancer or die? Who can really blame them for asking these questions? Seeing a child suffer and in pain is excruciating. My only comfort is in knowing that God so loved the world that he gave his only son. His own son endured the most excruciating death of all time, and his mother watched the entire event take place. Her child suffered greatly and this woman never lost her faith. I find great comfort in knowing that Jesus truly experienced it all. There was not one emotion he did not feel. He took on a human form to show us that we are never ever alone in any thought, feeling or experience. Whenever I find myself in emotional turmoil I simply picture the agony in the garden. Jesus prayed until his sweat turned to blood, and he turned to his father and petitioned him asking “My father if it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” God does not expect us to be perfect, and he knows we will have many moments of doubt, and even anger at him for allowing certain things to happen. We must truly pray for his will, and not our own.
I have thought about my own death often. I know that’s kind of sick lol, but it is in thinking about your own mortality that allows you to live your fullest, most authentic life. Hannah knows that no one is allowed to cry when I die. That’s just the rule. I see myself as God’s child and when he calls me home then my work here is simply done. I feel as though he has just let my parents, and the world borrow me. They are so lucky hahaha. He should’ve put an ad in the paper first before just shoving me into my poor mom’s uterus hahaha. That lucky lady, and poor Joe he may have sent me back if he knew all the chores he would acquire. When young people die one of the first things you hear people say is “They died so young.” Yes of course it is so sad when a young person dies, but who are we to decide how much value that person had while they were here if even for a short time. One day here on Earth could be a thousand years in heaven. We are not yet privy to that information. A child may have one day on Earth, but changed their family’s life forever. We all have a limited time here, but I believe God gives us enough time to make an impact. We each have a story that we can share with the world around us. Every moment both good, and bad can be used to let his light shine through us, but this can only happen if we allow it.
Through hard times God has truly strengthened me. I actually feel very close to God when I have gone, and am going through troubled waters. I always see my suffering as a gentle reminder that I simply cannot do life without him. I have no idea what people think, or see when looking at me. I can understand how people would say something like "Of course you have a lot of faith because your life is perfect." You have a job you love, you’re financially stable, you’re healthy, your parents are healthy and living, you have a good family, your own home, and great friends. I am not a fool to think that this could be an outsider’s perception, but my life wasn’t always smooth sailing, and it still isn’t. We all fight our own battles, and demons. I can tell you this, and I mean this with my entire being. My life never improved so much until I stopped trying to do things my own way, and I fully with zero questions accepted God’s will for my life. This is coming from someone who was a planner, and control freak! I do believe some of this is age, but the main reason I am this way was turning my life over to the Lord. It is so normal at a young age to make “plans.” I learned real fast that if I wanted to make God laugh all I needed to do was make plans. My life turned out completely different then I ever thought it would. If you have read my past blogs you know it was my greatest dream, and desire of my heart to get married and have kids. Here I am almost forty years old and single as a pringle. God must have known that my story would have a greater impact and a further reach if he kept me single. When I was younger I was bullied, I had no great friends until high school, I suffered with disordered eating patterns, I ran from every negative emotion, and drank away every ounce of pain until I got into the gym at thirty-two. Weak people run from their emotions, but strong people face them head on. Imagine if you will that I had gotten my way and ended up married with kids prior to taking the time to truly heal myself. Not getting my way took me to a place of healing that I never would’ve reached unless God forced me, against my will to be truly, fully and completely alone. I will be a better wife, and mother because of the most excruciating pain of my life, and if that doesn’t happen I am still better because of it. All of my relationships especially the one with myself is so much better off because of the suffering I endured. I simply cannot ignore that there has been so much significance in my suffering.
Some of the wealthiest, most successful people commit suicide. Have you ever stopped to wonder why this is? Sometimes it is our own demons that we suffer with alone that ultimately test us to the core. So many people fight battles you know nothing about. As a very private person I can still say I don’t share everything. I do my best to open up to all of you because I know that my vulnerability is capable of helping you, but there are still parts of my story I am not ready to share, and perhaps I never will. God knows my entire broken story, and it was with him, and through him alone that I could get to where I am today. It is not the house, the financial stability or anything else that I am most proud of. It is my relationship with him, and knowing that I have full trust in what he does in my life day in, and day out. I never try to figure out tomorrow. I surrendered. I had many moments of falling to my knees in tears begging and pleading for him to help me. I used to tell him to test me. If I felt like I was getting to a place where I was replacing him with a guy or something else I would tell him to take it from me. He always did, and then I was like “Shit I was just kidding LOL.” I simply wanted the gift of unshakable faith. I didn’t want to get angry with him when I didn’t get my way because in the past I had done just that. I would tell him I hate him, and that I was over him. I was so tempted to just walk away, but deep in my heart I never could. I knew he had already carried me this far. These actions are so hard to own, because I am truly ashamed of this behavior, but I know I am not alone. My friend’s wife died of pancreatic cancer last week, and she left behind five young children. She left her testimony on a You Tube channel. She spoke about her faith, and her love of God. She mentioned that of course she had moments of anger, but that she knew God was ok with her anger. He understands it, and her anger never stopped her from coming back to him with a heart of gratitude. I felt this on every level because I too always came back to him with a heart of gratitude. It is only when we turn from him for good that we lose. He will always welcome us back with open arms.
My journey with him hasn’t been perfect, and I can only imagine it is this way for most people. We are human, but God is simply so consistent and never changing. This beautiful mess of a life has paved the way for me to help other people. If my life had been less messy, and if I hadn’t fought to get to where I am today I would never be able to show other women that they are capable of it all. It doesn’t matter if you have a man by your side if you have THE man by your side. There is so much beauty in all of my mistakes, but it is only because of him.
Being a Christian isn’t always easy. It is not looked at as a glamorous way to live, or even popular in today’s secular society, but it is where I found peace, and true joy. I would rather be persecuted for my beliefs then to fit in with the crowd. During his final moments on Earth Jesus was betrayed by almost everyone he knew including his best friends. If I am forced to stand alone in my faith I will do it. He has already taught me how to stand alone, and it was in these moments where I found him waiting for me. He is always there. In the words of Joe “God is always there, but he wants to be invited to the party.”
I challenge you to invite him to your own personal party that we each call life.
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” Kahlil Gibran
All My Love,
Reenie