September 29, 2019
Live. Laugh. Love
I have always exhibited the traits of someone who was relatively strong in every way, but the reality is I wasn’t. When I started my career in medical sales I was literally on and off planes weekly. Some weeks even consisted of six flights total. I rented cars and drove all over the Northeast. I took trains to NYC and DC. When work slowed down on Friday, my social life picked up. I was out every weekend with my friends or gallivanting around alone to meet up with some guy I had met on my travels LOL. I was so busy that I had no time to think about anything, much less any of the trauma I had experienced. I can tell you one thing though. I was still on the hamster wheel. How do I know this? Because if you look back at my actions they were still very much aligned with how I felt about myself during this time. I lived on coffee, wraps from Dunkin Donuts and ice cream. I over ate on nights I was out with customers because I was drinking, which lowered my inhibitions. I never worked out when I traveled so I just slashed my already low calories. I had been tracking what I ate in My Fitness Pal since 2010. I averaged a weight of 120lbs. How do I know this? I just opened the app hahaha. Here is where it gets pathetic. Guess what my caloric “goal” was set to? 1000 calories. I am pretty sure that is a goal for a small child, or at least a teenager. So what does my caloric intake and restrictive eating have to do with anything? Well it is my belief that how we treat our bodies has a deep reflection on how we feel about ourselves. We often judge ourselves so much on our “appearance.” Why is so much of our value and self worth linked to how we look? Well look at the society we live in. I hate to go all “psychological,” but I must have felt like it was really all I had to offer, because to be honest, men were always commenting on my appearance. It was to a point where I dreaded being called beautiful or “hot.” It made me cringe inside. I actually still feel like that when those compliments come from men I don’t know well, or at all. My heart feels full whenever I get a compliment that has nothing to do with how I look. I would much rather be complimented for how I made someone laugh, the type of person I am, or the good work that I do.
Although my terrible physical habits still existed, I do feel like traveling is what led me to a place where I could begin to heal. I spent a great deal of time alone. I started reading a lot of self-help books and getting to know myself like I never have. I had a lot of random conversations with people along the way. I loved these conversations and learning about the people who crossed my paths. Looking back this would have been a great time to start a blog. I had a lot of great stories. I remember making it a point to compliment one woman every day. One day on the train home from NYC I told a woman that she had such a beautiful face, and that there were not many people who could pull off very short hair. She broke into a huge smile. Then she proceeded to tell me how she fought cancer, and that her hair was just growing back. I chatted with her and her friend the rest of the way home. Conversations like this one led me to realize that you truly never know what another person is going through. It taught me that we all have our own cross. It taught me to never hold back a compliment. These are healing moments. These are moments that, if we allow them to, can change our mentality. These moments teach us to look out and not in when we are struggling. Who I am today and my mentality has been formed over the years. Although I continued to beat myself up physically at this time, I was well on my way to making myself mentally stronger.
Getting to know yourself is a great experience, but it can at times be pretty uncomfortable. Why? Because just like you are not going to love everything about every person you meet you are not going to like everything about yourself either! Sorry folks. That’s just the reality of it haha. One thing I didn’t like about myself was how I seemed to be extremely chill when it came to extremely high stress situations, but I’d flip out over something as dumb as, let’s say, spilling a box of cereal all over the floor. I started noticing what I didn’t like about myself, and I started changing it! Thirty-seven year old Reenie is 8700x more chill than twenty-six year old Reenie. It now takes a lot to get me to flip out, and I am pretty proud of this LOL.
I also didn't like that I was a people pleaser, and I let people’s opinions of me eat at my soul. One of my best friends at the time would tell me I was a “workaholic,” or tell me I was “strange,” because I would immediately start hanging out with different people right after meeting them. She was actually referencing Shredz one time haha. I had met Shredz at the gym, and I said we should get dinner. She was going through a rough time, and I was always quick to welcome people into my world. It took me years to realize my friend’s comments reflected her own insecurities. Her issues must have had something to do with how she felt about herself. Maybe she had trust issues, and didn’t understand how I could befriend people so quickly. The reality is that I wasn’t always like this. I, too, at one time had that distrusting nature that came with being bullied, and not having many TRUE friends until later in my life. I am lucky though that it never kept me from trying to make new friends or shutting myself off from opportunities to embrace random moments. If I am honest with myself and all of you, I have to admit that although I seem quick to make friends it takes me a while to fully let my guard down. I would never share any of my dark moments or hardships with anyone prior to this blog. That’s the ironic part, even my sister, and closest friends don’t know all of my story, yet here I am putting it all out there on the World Wide Web.
Have you ever had certain conversations in life that just stick with you? I have had a few and as I reflect back on this first year of my new career one in particular stands out. I was driving with one of our reps. She was discussing being on anti-depressants, and she said to me, “How would you know what it is like to be sad? You’ve never been through anything.” I didn’t say a word, but thought to myself, “Yeah, that is right. I have never been through anything.” I have had many assumptions made about me throughout my life, and I guess this was just another one. Looking back I can admit I was not good at being vulnerable, but I think that was the right move because I also wasn’t healed from my pain so there may have been expectations put on other people if I did in fact share back then. Now when I share I have no expectations, because I know I am fully loved, and valued simply because I exist. I don’t need anyone else to bandage my open wounds, or feed me kind words to ease my pain. That work is done. Only you can fix that gnawing ache that needs to be filled. Are you someone that shares your story with expectations attached, or are you sharing so that people know they are not alone? True vulnerability will always allow others to feel safe enough to share with you, and that is beautiful.
During these years of travel I was more often than not the annoying passenger who would talk to you on a flight or a train. I asked every cab driver (there was no uber at the time) where they were from and how long they lived in a particular city. I still do these things when I travel. I love the airport and the train stations. I love watching crowds go by and knowing each person is headed off in a different direction for a different reason. I love the noise and the chaos. I find it exhilarating. Traveling truly lights my soul on fire and heals me in certain ways each time I head off on a new adventure.
So this is a good place for me to touch on why traveling was a big key to my healing. Yes, it does show you how big the world is, but more importantly my behaviors became more about OTHER people. In order to receive love you have to give it away freely. No expectations. No strings. I was talking to people, and asking them questions because I truly wanted to know about them, and their stories. The more my life became about those around me, the stronger my light started to shine. The more my light shined, the more other’s light could shine too.
I will leave you with this last story. I was reading a book on a flight home to Philly. I cannot remember the title, but it caught the attention of the man next to me. We started chatting, and he told me he thought I would be a good leader. I had never really thought I’d be a good leader, because I actually hate telling people what to do. I’d rather inspire people to want to do something versus tell them to do it. My view of a leader was distorted because true leaders do INSPIRE. He asked me if I would meet with his daughter, because she felt “lost.” I said I would. I met her a week later at the Cheesecake Factory. When the same friend who thought I was “strange” for asking Shredz to dinner found out about this she once again said something like, “You’re so weird.” I think at the time I just laughed. I was, and still am, very “weird.” I don’t do things MOST people may do, but that is what makes me who I am. Instead of encouraging me or cheering me on she was constantly putting me down. I mention this now because how the end of this friendship transpired is an important part of my story. If you have people in your life who are tearing you down for trying to make yourself or the world a better place I hate to tell you this, but they are not your friends. True friends cheer you on and will always want what is best for you. They will not be jealous as you go after your dreams, and they will always celebrate your wins. Do not fear the road less traveled. Embrace it, because it may be the path intended for you all along.
This week I challenge you to look at the relationships in your life. Examine each one, and make sure they are allowing you to become the very best version of yourself. Don’t be afraid to walk away from drama or negativity. Also take a look at the part you play in these relationships. Are you being a true friend and cheering others on as you may be dealing with your own hardships?
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled.” Robert Frost
To Be Continued……
All My Love,
Reenie