The Aftermath

The Aftermath

The week after I called off my wedding, I was supposed to fly to Nashville for an interview at Vanderbilt Hospital. Rob wanted to pursue a career in music, and I was willing to help him follow his dream. I obviously canceled the interview, and would remain here in the suburbs of Philly. A few things that really saved me during this difficult time was living on my own and having my own friends. I can only imagine how much more difficult things would have been if Rob and I lived together, and if I didn’t have my own life. One thing I am most proud of is ALWAYS having my own life. I had a strong group of friends at this time. I actually had multiple groups of amazing friends who offered me an immense amount of support. I had my college girl friends and the people with whom I worked. I also had a great group of guy friends. Can guys and girls really just be friends? That topic is soon to come LOL. When I called off my wedding I was upset, but I was also relieved. I walked to the dumpster the next day, and threw out all of the invitations and church booklets. I canceled the venue, flowers, photographer, and limo service. People often ask “How close were you to the wedding?” The answer, I was two short months away from taking the plunge.

I remember texting all of my friends to let them know the wedding was off, and having a friend at the time tell me to come over. When I went to see him, and his girlfriend they had invited over a mutual friend. I had been on a date with this guy before, but I wasn’t interested in him romantically. I told you guys I broke up with Rob a few times, and most days I didn’t sit at home crying over it hahaha. I dated! Looking back I cannot imagine only ever dating one guy. As of today, I have been in about 4 relationships, been on at least 50 first dates (hahaha), and been in a few, what I like to call “situations.” It is only recent that I went on a dating hiatus. March 2019 was when I finally cleaned my slate completely LOL, and what a clean slate it is. Ok so back to “one date, not interested” guy. That guy is going to remain nameless. I don’t want to be that person talking crap on exes, but all of this has to do with my journey, and healing, and I cannot leave people out who have somehow affected my path.  Often, when we get out of a bad relationship we go for the antithesis of the person we walked away from. I had made a promise to myself after calling off my wedding; I promised myself I wouldn’t be in a committed relationship until I met the man I was going to marry. “Dating Reenie” was back in action. You cannot keep a good girl down. In the weeks to come, I would simply forge ahead without giving my pain a second thought. Rob was angry. He blasted me on Facebook, and I heard about a song he wrote. The song was mean, and after my friends and I dissected the lyrics, we realized he had slept with one of my friends. When I think about this moment, it reminds me of the scene in “Friends,” when Ross is constantly saying “We were on a break!” Rob claimed that when he slept with this girl, we were on a break. The truth is I didn’t even care. I was so over everything at this time I truly couldn’t care if he had slept with everyone I knew. He wanted to go to therapy. Therapy?! I was angry at the suggestion. Therapy is what you do when you admit you have an issue first without lying. In Rob’s defense, I cannot blame him for thinking I wasn’t truly done. I ALWAYS went back to him.

In the weeks to come (yes weeks), being interested in three different guys would keep me distracted. I threw myself an “I am not getting married” party with all of my guy friends, and my best girl friends. I gave a good friend my wedding dress, and told her to get rid of it. I was still tiny at this time, and the “drink - over eat – run – repeat” cycle continued.

I have always preferred to date a guy I was friends with first, but usually it didn’t go like that; although, it did happen this way a few times in my life. When you are friends first you really get to know the person. I tend to gravitate towards all people who are unapologetically themselves. I have definitely been a part of ruining a lot of my “guy” friendships by crossing the line hahaha. As I sit here, and write this blog, I cannot help but have feelings of nostalgia. Some of my best memories are being with Lori,and the guys. We were always the girls the guys loved being around because well we are kind of like guys hahaha. We never did drama very well LOL. Country concerts, mountain houses for NYE, beach houses, bar crawls, baseball games, drinking games, sign us up!! When I started hanging out with said “guy friend,”I honestly didn’t like him as more than a friend. We started going to the gym, and I was dating other guys. He was nice though (at the time), and any time I wanted to do something fun, he was there. Are any of you ladies reading this like me, and just totally unaware of any guy liking you? I never assumed any guy liked me as more than a friend. I was oblivious. I even went to the movies with a guy I WAS actually dating, and invited two guy friends who apparently “liked me.” Here I was sitting at the movies with three guys who apparently liked me, and I was clueless hahaha.

When I developed feelings for this guy I was friends with everything moved a little too FAST. The next thing I knew I was in another relationship (insert hand against face emoji.) I called off my wedding in September, and now a month later I was in a relationship. And not just a relationship, a committed relationship! Good thing I kept that promise to myself. Do you know how you can really heal from any situation? The answer is by being ALONE. I am sure there are cases where you can be with another person and heal, but I think the key to speed up the healing process is to spend a crap ton of time by yourself. Actually, I should say alone, and sober LOL. It’s difficult to heal in a relationship when you are always giving, always putting yourself last, and never truly taking the time to be with just you! Spend time alone, learn your flaws and demons, learn what you don’t like about yourself, and more importantly, learn what you LOVE about yourself. Invest in yourself. Invest in the things you love in life. Find hobbies you can enjoy both alone and with other people. Hang out with people who feed your soul, and leave your cup feeling filled. Walk away from drama. Walk away from people who leave you feeling drained. Feed your mind with positive self talk. Eliminate negative behaviors. Stare in the mirror, and recognize that you may be broken, but that you can OVERCOME anything! Recognize that you are strong, capable, and that you are loved simply because you exist!

I wish I did this, but I didn’t. I invested in someone else….again. I was longing to be loved, to be married, and to have kids. The problem is I was longing for it so much that I was forcing myself into a situation that simply wasn’t meant to be for numerous reasons. If you are going to get married you should feel fully, and totally accepted for everything you are. Rob was funny, down to earth, very comfortable with who he was, talented, easy to be around, loved his family, friends, and never hid his emotions. He was not perfect, but who is? He was terrible with money (haha), immature, didn’t dress well, wasn’t working out at the time, loved drinking, didn’t love to travel, and was quite irresponsible. I worked since I was twelve (if you count babysitting), I was driven, motivated, loved to travel, responsible, and thrived off of being independent. I lived alone, Rob lived with his parents.There is nothing wrong with where Rob was at that time, but it just wasn’t a match for where I was. I was more like a mother than a partner. We fought a lot! I wish I would have walked away versus allow myself to become a raging lunatic, but raging lunatic I was. “Guy Friend,” was funny, owned his house, worked out, was motivated, driven, financially stable, dressed well, and didn’t drink much. He was the antithesis of Rob. You’re probably thinking “well what was the problem?”  Like I pointed out in my introduction, I am a bit of an enigma. Rob accepted all of me. He loved the girl who got dressed up, liked fancy things, shopping and loved to have a good time, but he also loved the girl who always loved God, went to church, believed that material things hold no value, and loved ALL PEOPLE. This” guy friend” only loved the part of me that was a part of “this world,” and wanted no parts of deep conversations, vulnerability, or emotional intimacy. I tried to convince myself there was more to who he was. I insisted it would happen with time. One of my favorite quotes is, “When someone shows you who they are…believe them the first time” (thanks Maya Angelou).  I have so many vivid memories of conversations that left me feeling empty. All this guy wanted to talk about was money, possessions, and work. I think the best story I can tell you (so you see what I was dealing with) was a night out that turned into my stomach churning. We were out in the city, and a hunch back gentlemen walked by us, and “guy friend turned boyfriend” made some mean comment. I looked at him and said, “What if that man is an angel in disguise?” He literally laughed in my face. The saddest thing I think I ever did was shrink this amazing side of me! I dimmed my own light in hopes to not feel so small, as he laughed in my face about many topics like this.

It’s crazy to think about how much I allowed to be said and done. If you know me now you would probably never guess that I would put up with so much crap from a guy or try to be anything I am not. I think we all shrink ourselves at certain moments in life. How sad is that? That we feel the need to make our light smaller to protect others. I believe that part of you that you may be hiding, is exactly why God created you in the first place. As I leave you this week I challenge you to shine your light bright! If there is any piece of you that you hide in fear of being fully accepted and loved, please know that the right people will always love you for exactly who you are.

Shredz texted me today after letting me know that she had edited this piece. She wanted to make sure that you all would find out what happened with this guy. Yes!! This story will continue in next week's post.

“Our deepest fear is notthat we are inadequate. 
Our deepest fear is that we are powerfulbeyond measure. 
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us. 

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? 
You are a child of God. 

Your playing small 
Does not serve the world. 
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking 
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, 
As children do. 
We were born to make manifest 
The glory of God that is within us. 

It's not just in some of us; 
It's in everyone.

Andas we let our own light shine, 
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 
As we're liberated from our own fear, 
Our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

To Be Continued……

All My Love,

Reenie

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