I Prayed For Empathy (Part 2)

I never had many “dark” moments as an adult. I got over everything so quickly, and had developed strategies to constantly keep my mind afloat. I never could quite understand anxiety, depression, or sadness that lasted for days. I was that person who fell asleep, and couldn’t remember the day prior until I was awake for a few hours. Sleep was an automatic reset for me. I am sure anyone I was pissed at was happy I had this way about me because I would always forget if I was mad LOL. Recently as I prayed for empathy, I have encountered moments of darkness. I remember hearing that this lady on the view (I think it was Joy Behar, or whatever her name is) said Vice President Mike Pence was a “Looney Toon” because he heard “God Speak.” I was like, “awwww shit! If this lady was in my mind she’d be like, put this woman in a straight jacket, and 302 her ass”hahaha. I haven’t heard God speak very clearly, very often. Now don’t get me wrong, I have had what I prefer to refer to as His guidance my entire life, but I have only heard that internal, clear voice a handful of times. Trust me when I tell you it was definitely not my own voice because I hear that damn thing all day. I digress. Well, over the past 6 months to a year, as I started to become more empathetic, I have encountered some strange feelings. It startled me because I had been through a lot in my life, and these feelings were nothing I had ever felt before. As each new feeling arises, all I hear is “I need you to feel this.” That’s it. Not a why or when it will end, just a good ole “I need you to feel this.” I gave it a lot of thought, and there was no question of the reason why. This was part of my journey to being more empathetic, and it will allow me to reach more people. I know the blog is most likely not read by many, but even though that is the case I know it is my “Why.” I wish it wasn’t hahaha. It’s a lot to put all this out there, but anything meant for greatness is gonna suck in some ways.

True empathy will give me a new perspective, and enhance every encounter I have with another person. Living in ignorance is easier. The world, although beautiful, is full of dark, ugly, sadness. The first day I woke up sad, and not full of joy, quite literally scared the crap out of me. There is no worse feeling then not being able to recognize yourself. I missed myself LOL. I called my mom, and told her what was going on. We are so much alike in our mentality, and she felt the way I did. We discussed how awful it must be to suffer from depression. My sadness lasted only a few short days, but gave me a whole new outlook on people who suffer like this. My heart breaks for them in a way it never has before. When I talk to my mom I think of my friends who have lost their mom, or who aren’t close to theirs. When I hung up the phone recently after speaking with one of my dear friends I cried. She had shared with me a story about a friend who told her she could no longer hang out with her based on the color of her skin. Even just typing that makes my eyes tear up, and my heart shatter. Moments like these touch me in an entirely different way now. Instead of steering the conversation in a different direction because I’m uncomfortable or trying to come up with the“right” words I simply listen, and say “I am so incredibly sorry that happened to you.” I say those words, but more importantly I MEAN them. When I stop to give money to anyone homeless I usually walk or drive away crying. Don’t worry I am not a basket case hahaha, and I don’t cry openly, but I do when I am alone. I actually think it is a good thing. I’d rather be empathetic than detached. I needed to get to this place.

Rob suffered from anxiety, and I never handled it well. First he was a man, and as you read in the post last week that I already thought men were emotionless, and on top of it, I just couldn’t relate to a mental illness. I am not outing him either. He has posted on his IG and shared his battle with anxiety quite openly. I wasn’t mean to him, but I was young, and not as self-aware. I’d be lying to sit here and claim that I embrace my feelings fully now. I still have excellent coping strategies that I think are comical. One great example is my dating life. Let’s just sayf or example if a guy is driving me bananas with their little games I simply delete the text chain, and it is as though they no longer exist hahahahaha. OMG I seriously am dying LOL. I don’t know why it works, but it does! Oh really you wanna play games. Jokes on them. Block. I can mentally block anyone I need to, which then doesn’t allow them to kill my vibe. Ahhhh the Aquarius in me lives on, but I am loving the new empathetic part of this older “me.”

At this point you are probably sick of hearing me reference conversations with my mom, but now that I think about it, I believe she is the only one I really talk to about this stuff LOL. I have said to her in the past that I just don’t think I have the personality to become depressed. I am not sure if this is a “nature vs. nurture,” quality. I’d have to give it some more thought, and reflect back on my past, and how I have worked to develop my mind over the years. Because I have put in a ton of time really working on my mindset, and changing the way I thought about myself and life. You would think that these difficult feelings would possibly upset me, but even as they were happening, I found myself thanking God. Trust me it was weird for me, but I saw so much great purpose behind them. Then I woke up one day, and I was back to my old self. I texted my mom saying “I’m back!!!” It was with great relief that I could tell her this, but I won’t forget that feeling, and for anyone that suffers with depression, or any other mental illness you are now on my prayer list, too. I can only imagine what it is like to suffer like that daily.

I challenge us all to truly listen to those confiding in us without using it as an opportunity for comparison to our own situations. Sometimes all someone needs to hear is “I am so sorry that happened to you” When we say these words we must mean them.

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“I think we all have empathy. We may not have enough courage to display it.” – Maya Angelou

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To Be Continued……

All My Love,

Reenie

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