I Felt Inadequate

Abuse in any form is wrong, but I must say there was a time in my life when getting punched in the face would have been better than dealing with the emotional and mental side of things. At least then it would have been clear that I was in fact being abused. If you ask me about the worst relationship in my life, it would be this one. I would take Rob’s lies a million times over versus ever having a guy pick apart my character, heart and soul. Rob never said anything mean to me. In fact, he pretty much built me up constantly. He told me I was beautiful everyday of our lives, and he never hid how he felt. Looking back I am grateful for our relationship because in the moments of dealing with Eric it was Rob’s words that made me realize just how messed up of a situation I was in.

I am not going to go into every detail of this relationship, but some of the details matter. This relationship lasted a year and a half. That said, I wasn’t always dumb. I did in fact break -up with this guy three times throughout that time frame. I was caught up in the cycle of believing him every time he called to tell me he wanted to change. One of our biggest issues was that he was threatened that everyone liked me, and that I had a large group of friends. I was friends with people of all ages. My older friends were always verbalizing how proud they were of me for calling off my wedding. They understood just how big of a deal it was because a number of them were divorced. Eric said behind closed doors one time, “They don’t see what I see. I am basically fixing you for someone else.” Typing this infuriates me, and at the time when I repeated this to my mom it infuriated her. She would constantly say, “You are not broken, and he does not need to fix you.” Did I mention this guy never had a girlfriend until me, and had zero knowledge about what it was like to ever lose someone you loved? He had zero empathy, which looking back he was probably a sociopath. He was always focusing on “winners,” versus “losers.” He was taught as a child you don’t associate with “losers.” I was taught that no one is a loser. He came from a family that enjoyed the finer things in life, and well I came from Joe G hahahaha. The man who has been retired since 55 yet still somehow gives money to the poor, and always eats pizza on Fridays. I always joke with my mom, and say doesn’t he realize he is the poor? LOL. I learned at this time in my life what Porsche, Louis Vuitton, and Christian Louboutin are and meant. Prior to this time, I had zero clue about name brands. His sister, who I actually love, asked me why I didn’t drive a Porsche? I looked at her and said, “Because I’m a nurse.” The response was good, but that doesn’t change the feeling of inadequacy that pierced my heart.

At this point you may be thinking this relationship doesn’t sound very abusive, so I am just going to quickly share a few other things with which I had to live through. I wasn’t allowed to talk about my nieces without him thinking it was my way of saying I wanted kids, and if you know me, you know my nieces and (now) nephews are truly a part of who I am. I wasn’t allowed to talk about anything that had to do with Rob, because he wasn’t my therapist; actually, I was told to go to therapy, and I listened to him. That part makes me laugh because the therapist was the one who pointed out the emotional abuse he was putting me through hahaha. She even met him at a session, and came to that conclusion on her own.

As the feelings of financial inadequacy continued, I figured I should look for a new job. Now I must admit I wanted a new job for a few reasons. The environment where I worked was changing as management changed hands. I was an operating room nurse, and the Medical Device Reps I worked with did tell me I would be good in sales. I wasn’t dead set on Medical Sales, but I did want something more lucrative.

Eric sold Mercedes so he was obviously dealing with customers who had money. I remember we were sitting at Sullivan’s steakhouse, and he was telling me about a customer who had just bought some huge boat. I asked him if the guy was happy. He said, “What do you mean?” I repeated myself. I said, “Well he bought a boat, but is he happy?” Needless to say, this did not go over well. There is nothing wrong with saving for something you want and buying it. Heck if you work hard no one should tell you what to buy, but where people go wrong is thinking that these material possessions will somehow make them happy. It is my opinion that happiness cannot be bought. I laugh at my little comments to God. I always say to him, “If this house burned down today with everything in it lost, I better be the same damn happy person.” I know I would be because God, all of you, my family, and people are my joy. No one can ever take that. Read that again!

The story I am about to tell you is one I often tell because it changed the trajectory of my life forever. God can take any situation and use it for good. While this relationship caused me a lot of heartache, I will never say it wasn’t worth it. Without it, I may have never met a number of you who are reading this. Just so you can understand where I was at this point, we’re going to travel back to 2010. I put my resume on Monster’s job website. I applied for a few sales jobs, but never heard any response. I had also applied at AI DuPont (a children’s hospital) and Christiana (a trauma center.) I considered traveling nursing, as well. I wasn’t putting myself in a box. I was open to where God wanted me. Every morning at 3am an email would come over with the open jobs on Monster. As the months went by, and I didn’t hear anything back I stopped opening the emails. One morning I was in Operating room F, and I decided to open the email. There it was…the job description that fully encompassed everything I was looking to accomplish. They wanted someone with cardiac experience, who was willing to travel from VA to Canada, and had flexibility. It was a huge bump in pay, which at the time was a driving factor. I wrote up a quick cover letter that basically said I was willing to travel, I wasn’t scared of directing surgeons on how to use a device, and I had a ton of cardiac experience. I heard back from the recruiter later that day. The rest is history…but don’t fear, you’ll hear more about that history in upcoming weeks!

I love stories like these where you make one decision like deciding to open an email you’ve ignored for months. I love connecting the dots in my life, and seeing how God can take all of my pain and use it for good. That is what drives me to reflect, and write each week.

This week I challenge you to look back and reflect. Look at where you are now, compare it to where you were in prior years. See the beauty in your journey. See how your own dots are connected. Have peace in knowing that even if what is going on right now doesn’t make sense, that later in your life you will understand.

“I would rather think of life as a good book. The further you get into it, the more it begins to come together and make sense.” RabbiHarold Kushner

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To Be Continued……

All My Love,

Reenie

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