August 18, 2019
Live. Laugh. Love
I will never forget the night I realized my restrictive eating was out of control. I was in the bathroom after a long night of drinking, and late night pizza. I was getting ready for bed, and although I was three sheets to the wind, I couldn’t help but catch a glimpse of my back in the mirror. It was all bones, and when I say all bones, I could see every rib. I was horrified, and the food guilt that came with the pizza quickly left my mind. I wish I could tell you that I somehow got my act together the next day, or even the following week, but the truth is, it was still a number of years away.
I think we all want to be in control. Some people may have this desire less than others, but who doesn’t want some control of their life? The truth of the matter is that we have less control then we even realize. One of the few things we actually can control is our own behaviors. Even controlling our own thoughts is next to impossible. Sure we can always work on our mental strength, but to actually control our every thought is damn near impossible. We also cannot control how people treat us. Even the people we love the most in the world will most likely let us down at some point. That’s just the way life is. Raise your hand if you have ever let the way people treat you make you value yourself less or attach your self-worth to their actions. My hand is high in the air, because I did this most of my young adult life.
I liked the way it felt when I made it through a day of being hungry. I felt in control. I felt successful. Yes, I still wanted to be skinny, but I think now that I have moved past this situation, there was more to it. Maybe I was seeking attention or trying to hurt myself (since I was in emotional agony). What is the hardest decision you have ever made? At this moment in my life the most difficult decision I ever made was choosing not to get married. I didn’t wake up one day and just decide. I mourned, and pondered over this decision for months. I have always prayed to God, but there have been a few moments that truly stand out for me. This time in my life was one of them. Praying does not have to be something done in a church or with certain words. You don’t have to be formal with God. The one thing God wants more than anything is a relationship with you. How do I know this? Well, He, and I are tight lol. When I am in desperate need of something I do what I call “Beg praying.” I was telling Shredz about this recently. I am one hundred percent serious when I straight up beg God for help. My prayer to God at this time in my life went something like this, “God, I need you. I am an idiot, and I am going to walk down this isle, and ruin the rest of my life if you don’t give me a physical sign that I shouldn’t get married.” I have very strong intuitions, and I always knew when Rob was lying to me. You would think when I caught him in lie after lie that it would’ve been enough to walk away, but it wasn’t. I needed more. I almost wished and prayed that I would catch him cheating on me, but I never did. I was weak, and I needed something huge to set me on the right path to taking my life back. I had convinced myself if I didn’t marry Rob that I would never find another man who truly understood ALL of me. Well I am still single, so maybe I was right hahaha. I obviously didn’t value myself enough to think I shouldn’t be lied to at all. There was one time I had a gut instinct that Rob was at the bar, and not at work, so I called him. I called him after I drove to the bar, and saw his car. When he answered, I asked him where he was, and he told me he was leaving the office. I said, “Oh that’s interesting because I am at the bar staring at your car.” I told him the ring would be on his parent’s kitchen island. When I got to the house his mom was there, and I told her what happened. She and I were very close. I still love his family, and treasure our relationships. I remember telling her that I would rather suffer the rest of my life than hurt her son. Can you imagine? That is pure and utter insanity. That is anything, but love. You’re probably wondering if this lie was enough to set me free. No. I needed more. The ring went back on my finger.
I restricted my eating for control. I ran and drank to numb the pain, and I avoided the truth because I lacked self-love.
It is easy to point out everything Rob did wrong, but it is important to mention all he did right. He wasn’t an awful person, and I have come to appreciate him more today than I ever did back then. Rob was dealing with his OWN issues. You had two individuals who lacked self-love and self-worth. When people talk about poor timing believe them… because timing is everything. Rob was never mean to me. He told me I was beautiful every single day, he was affectionate, and even though he was lying he was loving me the best that he could at the time. I think the people who love me would disagree with me because they would argue that lying to someone isn’t love at all. I was in it, and I see it differently. While I can certainly see their point, I know in my heart that everything Rob promised me at the time wasn’t because he didn’t love me. He wanted those things, but he just wasn’t capable in those moments. Neither one of us was mature enough, nor capable enough to realize what was actually going on in the big picture. The dream we had was what we wanted, but we lacked any self-awareness to get us there. In the moments of pain, agony, and as my body withered away, Rob would tell me I was getting too thin. I remember him distinctly saying,“Griesser you have no butt.” I looked at him and replied, “Good.”
The big moment I needed was just around the corner. The moment God answered my (weekly, daily, hourly) prayer was a defining moment in my life. He has NEVER let me down. He may work more slowly than I would like, but He simply always follows through. We, as humans, often times avoid what He is trying to tell us. We are usually so caught up in our ways, trying to live the life we want, that we miss the life He wants us to live. I believe His ways will always lead to more happiness, and ultimately peace within our hearts.
God granted me the sign I needed, and the details don’t matter. He answered my prayer. In the moment everything went down, I felt a wave come over me. I called off my wedding. I walked away and never looked back. Decisions have always been hard for me, but when I reach my breaking point, I am simply done. It doesn’t mean I didn’t care, or that it was easy. It doesn’t mean I didn’t grieve a loss or go through pain. It just means that I had already gone through the grieving for months prior to pulling the trigger. Even after this decision was made, I called my mom. I told her, “I feel so bad for Rob.” Her reply, “Reen, I feel bad for you.” I was STILL putting him first.
I only recently reached a place in my life where I could really allow people in on the pain I once had. I actually think it is important to point out that according to Brene Brown, the difference in over sharing versus being truly vulnerable is that vulnerability comes when you are TRULY healed from the past shame, wounds, and pain. My healing is what allows me to share with you, and not expect anything in return. Remember this as you progress on your own journey. You must first take the actions it requires to heal yourself before you can use your hardships to help the broken world around you.
I didn’t like myself very much back then or I would have stood for a lot less bull crap from those around me. I would have realized I deserved more, and that being alone would be a far better choice than dealing with lies that would assist me destroying myself in numerous ways. I would have had less tears, and less heart ache. I would have loved my body enough to fuel it. I would have rested as my hips burned in pain from running. I would have used my energy to love those who really loved me versus giving it away to people who could have cared less about my well-being.
I did have a strong group of people who loved me at that time. They were also worried about me as they saw my once healthy frame begin to fade away into another 116lb version of myself. I heard the comments from worried surgeons I worked with, and concerned friends with whom I spent my free time. I simply chose to ignore them.
When I was caught up in this cycle of run, drink, over eat, repeat… I truly did not see it as anything other than get as skinny as possible.I wanted to be smaller in every way; I have to admit, on certain days I even wished I didn’t exist. The most painful moment I can share with you was that one night while driving, I actually wished I was killed because maybe just maybe then Rob would care. What an incredibly sad thought for a young woman. Why should any of us ever have to crave attention, long for communication, or settle for anything less than we deserve from those claiming to love us? The answer, we shouldn’t.
This week I challenge you to strive for less control. Start living for the twenty-four hours that each day brings. When you wake up each day, say out loud, “All I have is today.” Do your best to stop worrying about the future, and stay in the present moment.
“Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry-all forms of fear-are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.” Eckhart Tolle
To Be Continued……
All My Love,
Reenie