Constantly Rejected

I often wander around contemplating what to write in this blog. I give a lot of thought to what I include here. Often asking myself, “What details are pertinent, and which ones simply don’t matter?” Something came to mind as I was walking through the Whole Foods parking lot last weekend. I thought to myself I could see the reader thinking “She sounds like she doesn’t hate Rob at all, but has feelings of resentment towards Eric." Forgiveness is really important in life, but there is something I need to touch on. I want you to think about a difficult situation you have been in with other people. Maybe it is a parent, sibling, friend or significant other. One time the person comes to you, and they apologize for how they have hurt you, and another time they don’t. The truth about forgiveness is that it is more for you than them, but when someone apologizes, and I mean really apologizes, you are able to not only forgive, but to perhaps also now see the good in them again. When someone does not apologize, we are still able to forgive them, but it leaves a different feeling in us. With that said, as you read this story you must know that all I ever wanted from Rob was for him to be TRULY apologetic. I got that call three years ago. I knew he was so sorry, and although it took him a really long time to reach this point, I was so happy to let him know he could move on, and must also forgive himself. Eric never apologized, and honestly has only ever reached out because he needed something. Shocker lol. He actually texted me when I was in Georgia visiting a friend in December 2018. I am bringing this up because as I get back to our story these details will let you see this man’s character. Why did he text me? Only God really knows, but he was letting me know he got a job in the Medical Device field. Little does he know, I knew that after less than a year of marriage he was getting divorced. I was not celebrating the deterioration of his marriage by any means, but don’t you find it interesting how certain people constantly hide behind their victories, and never want you to know that they too are flawed.

Everyone in my life who knew Eric including my sweet friend Lori, called him a D. I need to touch on a few things that happened in this relationship before moving on with this story. There were just too many lessons learned to simply say “we broke up.”

Relationships always end because of two people. Although there is usually one person who initiates the breakup, when you look back you can see where both parties went wrong. I would be lying to say I was perfect in any relationship, and I can see everywhere I went wrong in my relationship with Eric, and with Rob. There was a time in my life I was just an awful communicator. I struggled my entire life with sharing how I felt. I remember so many times Rob saying, “Reen… just talk to me.” I honestly couldn’t. I felt paralyzed, and would look him anywhere, but in the eyes. I am not sure what was the cause of it, but remember I was a kid/teenager who never told anyone how I felt. I often felt detached from everyone, and at moments in life I still do. There is a difference between feeling like someone is listening to you versus really feeling like they “hear” you. Have you ever had the experience where you are speaking to someone, and although they are listening it as though your words are hitting their ears in a foreign language? I have people in my life today where I feel this exact way, and back in 2009 I felt this way about Eric. You may wonder what I had done. I communicated with him via email hahaha. I was the queen of communicating through email. I am laughing, but it is kind of embarrassing. I guess I was just meant to write!! I even went as far as to text another guy I dated prior to Eric and I asked him for his email, and then emailed him to break up with him hahaha. I was awful!! In recent years as I took the time to heal myself this is one of the flaws I tackled first.

If we are recent friends you may be shocked by the past few paragraphs, but if you have known me for quite some time the above information most likely makes sense. I have always expressed caring for someone by giving them gifts. It was easier for me. This was, and in a way still is how I express love. In the past few years though I have made it a point to let those around me know through verbal communication just how important they are. It has been a freeing experience.

When I was dating Eric I did care about him. I had convinced myself that there was more to him then met the eye. The truth is he was not emotionally available at all. I can picture it like it was yesterday. We were driving down route 202. I cannot remember what we were discussing, but I said to him “Don’t you have anything wrong with you?” I have always recognized my own flaws. Perfect was not something I ever pretended to be LOL. We are all flawed, or so I thought. According to this guy though, he was not. He responded by saying, “Why do you want to date someone who has something wrong with them?” In my mind I was thinking I simply want to date a human being. Once again, a feeling of rejection set in.

I have to admit something, I felt rejected over and over in this relationship. My spirituality was rejected, my mentality was rejected, and at moments, I was even physically rejected. It was all a very hard pill to swallow. I am not overly affectionate for the most part, but I definitely am in moments, and with Rob and other guys I dated, it was fully welcomed. Eric wouldn’t even hold my hand, and lets be real, most men aren’t going to deny you when you try to pull them into a bathroom at a bar hahaha. I have to laugh here, because I can picture Shredz LOL as she edits this piece. This is a good place to mention it was her that edited in the word “sociopath,” in last week’s blog. She also said she wanted to find him, and spit in his Mercedes hahahahaha. It feels mean to say, but I cannot find one person in my life that doesn’t wince when I bring up his name. They all say the same thing, “He was impossible to talk to.”

I have to share all of these stories with you ladies because I need you to take something very important away from this blog. You should never settle for any guy that makes you feel like you are not worthy or fully accepted for who you are. Even as a flawed human being, you deserve to be fully loved. If you are in a relationship, and you have that gut feeling where you are shutting down any part of you… please know there is someone better out there for you. It is better to be alone than to feel alone in a relationship.

Looking back I actually cannot believe I dealt with this, but I do give myself some credit for not being fully committed to him. Lori and I were laughing last weekend as we talked about the blog, and these years of my life.  I mentioned in past blogs that I broke up with him three times in the year and a half we were together. One night I said to him that we should see other people, and well I did, the next night LOL. I was talking to an extremely hot guy from college, I went out with him the next night, and then down to the beach the following weekend. In this time frame, Eric tried to get me back, and after hot college guy got wasted down the shore, my attraction to him diminished. So what did I do? I had Eric drive two hours to the shore and pick me up hahaha. See I wasn’t perfect. Don’t feel bad for me because even in the midst of this awful relationship I kept my head up, and gradually got to a place where I could completely say F this and walk away.

Besides for being a terrible communicator, my other biggest flaw back then was how I drank in excess. I rarely had a drink or two. I mostly drank with the intention of getting wasted. The good news is I wasn’t an angry drunk, and no one could ever tell when I was drunk. I didn’t slur, stumble or black out. I did however puke almost every time I drank. Pure class LOL. When I was hurting, and then drunk, my pain would come to the surface. I was good at acting like I had it all together until the truth serum hit me hard. I am sure it wasn’t easy for Eric to deal with me when I was full of emotion. I never healed from Rob. Jumping into another relationship was the worst thing I could’ve done. Like I mentioned before Eric had never been in a relationship, so I can understand how he lacked empathy. My drinking would get habitually worse later in life before it would get better.

Here we were in the summer of 2010. I finally really broke up with Eric on Memorial Day weekend, and I flew to Jacksonville, Florida on June 8th. I interviewed with the three owners of what would be my new company. I was hired on the spot, and would start my job on June 28, 2010. My territory would cover Virginia to Canada. This job would be the first step in returning to the woman God created me to be. At this point, I must give a huge shout out to Eric because without his rejection, and my feelings of financial inadequacy, God only knows where I would be. I also want to shout out God. Thank you God for taking one of the worst situations of my life, and using it to make me a better, stronger, happier, more independent version of myself.

This week I challenge us all to really focus on our intuition, and to use it to guide us on the path that is intended for us. I challenge us to trust ourselves, and to have faith that if we continually do our best each day it will lead us to exactly where we are supposed to be.

“Follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs

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To Be Continued……

All My Love,

Reenie

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