Are You Hungry? (Part 3)

I think many people in today's society have foods, or other vices they have relied on for comfort in times of trauma, sadness or stress. They say food is the most abused drug, and exercise is the most underutilized antidepressant. For some people, food in general may be their comfort. Emotions are not easy to handle. When I look at myself, my mom, and my sister I see women who restrict when stressed, or sad. Some women are stress eaters, but the women in my family tend to go in the opposite direction. Are we punishing ourselves? Maybe. I do find it interesting that my sister and I were restrictive eaters, because we grew up in the same environment.

Full disclaimer, I am not a psychiatrist hahaha. I just pay attention to people, myself, and I have learned a lot in 37 years. I also read a lot, and there have been certain people I have learned a lot from. The best way to learn is to constantly ask questions, and to REALLY listen. Ask yourself questions, too. I think sometimes we don’t want to do this because we don’t really want to know the answer, but how can we mend our broken pieces if we don’t go deep into the wounds? And ladies, do not think that for one minute men don’t have their own wounds. I am here to tell you they do.

Ok so here goes nothing. It is time to let you in to one of the most difficult times of my life. I want to first ask you a question. How did you picture your life or how do you picture your life will turn out? As I answer this question I have tears rolling down my cheeks. I have always wanted to get married and have kids. I didn’t wish to make a lot of money or to travel the world. I didn’t wish to be famous or popular. I looked at my mom, and I was like I want what she has. We didn’t have a fancy upbringing. My first time on a plane was when I was a freshman in high school. We didn’t go to Disney World, and our vacations consisted only of places we could drive. Joe G (my dad) even had us sleep in the car because he only wanted to nap for a few hours during the 12hr drive. Somehow I was volunteered to sleep in the driver’s seat LOL (I’d like to see this as a foreshadowing of my life). We lived a more simple life, so my mom could stay home with us. I love my mom so much. She is so honest. She was a nurse too, but never minded saying she didn’t want to work. The truth is that being a mother is work! I see it as the most difficult job in the world. Every day until I went to college I came home to a snack on the table. My friend Michele even texted me after reading last week’s blog saying she used to love coming over after school because we had the best snacks hahaha. My mom and dad were always on the same page. He worked, and she worked to always save as much money as possible by clipping coupons, and always saving when she could.

When I met Rob we both swore we were going to get married. Gotta love teenage love. When you are young, you could swear on everything that you know everything, and no one can tell you different. This was us.  Rob was so sweet when we were young. He would drive thirty minutes just to hang out with me for twenty minutes, and then drive me to work. We talked every night on the phone for hours. He made me laugh, and even back then this was my weakness, laughter is the way to my soul. I remember Michele mocking me in this voice saying, “Oh my God he’s sooooo funny.” I said this way too much, but it was true!! This is how Rob got away with murder forever with me. I could want to kill him, and then he made me laugh, and I couldn’t remember why I was mad. We were best friends. His family loved me, and my family loved him. Rob was the funny, popular kid. Everyone loved him. When we met he told his mom he met a “super model.” He was clearly insane hahaha. At that time, I was chunky monkey Reenie, and flat irons were not invented!!! When we grew up, and my look was revised (LOL) people would ask him how he got a girl like me, he would respond saying “I grandfathered her in during high school.”

You may be wondering how this has anything to do with food, but I ask you to stay with me. The healing will not make sense without the background story.

I always wanted to get married, and have kids, but I was also always fascinated with medicine. I started off wanting to be a pediatrician, then transitioned into wanting to be a surgeon. I watched every medical show from Rescue 911 to ER. As I got closer to graduating high school I changed my mind again. Now I wanted to be a nurse. I was not obsessed with school. I did not want to go to school for as long as it would take to be a surgeon. Good thing I was extremely driven, and motivated LOL. I planned on going to The University of Pitt for nursing, but “Pop-Pop” (which was actually Rob’s Pop-Pop, but he was the only grandfather I really knew so he was mine too,) told me I couldn’t go to Pitt. He said, “Reen it’s too far, and you need to marry Rob” so, I never even applied. I stayed close, and went to West Chester University.

I love looking back at my life. I think about all the choices we make each day that shape our lives. I don’t want to be morbid, but I’d like to think that when we die, we get to sit with God, and go over a slideshow of our life, and see how each choice we made shaped who we ended up being. I honestly hope we see that even the terrible mistakes were used for good when we turned it over to Him. This may be the furthest thing from the truth, but I like this idea.

An important life lesson is that in every situation that has two people involved there will always be your truth, their truth, and the real truth that lies somewhere in between.

I know you must be dying to know where did Rob and I fall apart? I would say college. I take a decent amount of the blame for the way things happened. Remember the bullying? Yeah I almost forgot about it, too. It affected me more than I knew at that time. The bullying made me full of self-doubt, shame, and distrust. Even though I had a “group” of girl friends, in high school I never felt free enough to just be me. Michele, and Rob were the only two people who made me feel safe enough to be myself.

I am so blessed to have Michele in my life. Looking back, her friendship was enough to sustain me, and even though Pop-Pop forced me to stay home, I got to do college with my favorite woman! You couldn’t pay me to go back to high school, but to be able to go back to college would be great. I had real friends in college. One decision I will never regret was often choosing my friends over Rob. Trust me, he was doing the same thing. My mom just recently said, “Do you remember when you used to say chicks before dicks?” Heck yes! I just love my girlfriends, and when you walk through a decent amount of life without any, you have extreme gratitude for the ones God has now given you.

No one goes through life alone, and our relationships shape us into who we are. Rob and I didn’t handle this new life very well. We were both filled with our own self-doubt, and mistrust in each other. Jealousy took us over. I mentioned that I am one to compartmentalize. I could always separate my sadness, and move into the moment quite happy. Maybe I shouldn’t like this about myself, but I do. I’d be lying to say I didn’t, or don’t. I have always been able to laugh, and have fun despite any difficulties in my life.

The “sweet and kind” Rob who used to always put me first, now put me last. He joined a fraternity, and I would say this was probably one of the downfalls of our relationship. The boy who made me feel really loved, now made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to love. I tried to make him see this, but communicating was never really our strong suit. I was a terrible communicator until I decided to take the steps to heal my broken self. Therefore, I did what a lot of people would probably do in this situation, I broke up with him. During college, I broke up with him twice to be with other guys. I always went back to Rob because I never vibed with anyone like I did with him. Was it comfort? Maybe. The older we got, the more toxic the relationship became. What do two people who have known each other for ten years, and who have been together in total seven years do in this situation?They get engaged. I am laughing as I type that because that is just insanity. This decision went hand in hand with MY life plans. Do you want to make God laugh? Then by all means tell him your plans.

Neither Rob, nor myself was ready to get married at this time. We were twenty-six. I wasn’t the only one pressuring Rob to propose. Some of his family was also doing the same thing. I regret this whole-heartedly. I will NEVER do this again. That is, of course, if I ever get in a relationship again. Only God knows the answer to that. When Rob proposed I knew in my heart and gut it wasn’t the right decision for either of us. The truth is all I saw was the wedding, and not the marriage. Now all I think about is a healthy marriage, and no wedding.

When I originally sat down to write this week’s post I had a lot more details about our relationship, but then I heard this strong voice in my head saying “Make this more about you than him.” So for the sake of respecting the relationship, and knowing it wasn’t all bad, I will simply touch on what really matters. That said, I have to let you know that Rob lied to me. He lied to me for years. He lied about stupid stuff and important stuff. These lies compiled, and they made me feel like something was wrong with me. When the person who is supposed to love you the most does things that lead you to feel unloved, the hurt is excruciating.

I internalized this hurt, and it fueled my second stint of restrictive eating. I was back in a place where I was dying to be “skinny.” This time was different. In addition to the low calories I was now running 8 miles everyday. In high school, I was obviously not old enough to drink. Now here I am, years later with an active social life. I loved going out and drinking. I loved my friends, and I loved Rob’s family, and I hung out and drank way too much with all of them. When I would drink, my inhibitions would go away, and I would overeat. My body, mind, heart & soul were all starving.

To my runners out there do you experience runners high? I did. I hit that 4 mile mark, and I couldn’t stop running. I think I would stop at 8 miles because it was all I could get done in 60 minutes on the treadmill. These endorphins were probably contributing to my sanity at this time. Exercise is great and amazing, but it should not be used for punishment or as a means to make up for eating. Exercise should lead us to a better relationship with our body, mind, and soul.

I am going to close this week’s post now because I don’t want it to be too lengthy, and lose your interest. I really love you guys! I know that may seem random, but I really do. I truly hope every word I write leads you to more peace and love for yourself.

This week, I challenge us all to take a look at that way we are eating and exercising. Are we using these gifts as a means of punishment, or are we using them to help transform us into a better version of ourselves?

“But because I believe God’s plans for me are better than what I could plan for myself, rather than run away from the path he has set before me, I want to run toward it. I don’t want to try to change God’s mind—his thoughts are perfect. I want to think his thoughts. I don’t want to change God’s timing—his timing is perfect. I want the grace to accept his timing. I don’t want to change God’s plan—his plan is perfect.” Kara Tippets

To Be Continued…… 

All My Love, 

Reenie

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