Are You Hungry? (Part 2)

We’re back with part two of all things food! I left you off in college, and that is where I will pick up this journey. Anyone who has ever“gone away” for school knows that “healthy” foods are not typically what you will find students eating. Although college is kind of a blur, I can tell you a few foods that were on our menu. Lipton Noodles (so gross to even think about), ninety-nine cent bagel sandwiches (so good hahaha), and late night buffalo chicken pizza. I am pretty sure that dough was raw, but who would know at 2am? As I mentioned before I was unable to avoid the college weight gain, and I think from what I have shared so far you can see why lol.

As I let you into the details of my life it is only fair that I introduce the characters that have played an intricate part in my story, and trust me… characters they are! My best friend Michele and I met in freshman year of high school. She is still one of my best friends today. We have been friends for twenty years!! She doesn’t even realize the important role she has played in my life. Neither one of us is very emotional lol. Heck maybe we both are, but just when we are alone. The reason I am choosing to bring her up now is because even in high school I can remember the way she ate. Let me set this up for you. She is not the epitome of health!! She eats like my dad. A true American if I ever saw one. These two still live by the Pizza on Friday rule, and are probably equally as horrified that I do not eat pizza. The true gift that Michele, and actually Joe G (my dad) shares this gift too, is that they never eat past satiety. In high school, we would order these personal calzones, and Michele would eat half. In college, she ate half the nasty Lipton Noodles, and half the bagel sandwich. It was fascinating to a person like myself who belonged to the dreaded “clean your plate” club. Back then, I was fascinated by the differences in our eating styles, but today I understand the psychology behind it. Michele will make many appearances throughout this blog, but for the sake of staying on task she will leave us here.

College is where I would experience my first fad diet. Any guesses on which one it was?? If you guessed the clogged pore, carbs are evil, Aitkin’s Diet… then you my friend, are correct. Ask me if it worked? Hell to the no! Not only did it not work, it made me quite literally sick! The best part is that looking back at my long winded dieting history, I always lost the most weight on an almost all carb diet. I never said I was doing anything the smart way back then lol. I remained in that place of not knowing how to figure out the way my body works for several years.  

I know a lot of people graduate college, and move on from their partying ways, but that was far from what happened with my friends and me. I got a job in the Operating Room as a nurse, and was a part of a shore house on the weekends. I do have to say this though, I have zero regrets!! I mean we can all make better decisions at times, but looking back, and remembering these insane stories, make me laugh out loud. I did it all. I bonded with the nurses and doctors with which I worked. I made insane memories at the beach, and I lived the life that I was apparently supposed to live. Any choice you make, any life you live, can all be used for a greater good in some way or fashion. There will be a part of the story here that includes food, body image, and extreme heartbreak. That part of the story will be hard to relive, and difficult to share, but if it helps only one single woman (or man), it will all be worth it. That is what this blog means to me. Sacrificing for the good of others. I am doing other people a disservice if I hold onto my ego or try to appear like I have always had it completely “together.” The truth is no one has it all together. Remember that!

As we wander out of my basic history with food, and body image, and into a time when it became more about control, I have to be honest in telling you, I was never fat. When all was said and done, after that initial weight loss in high school I was never heavier than 130lbs or so. Again, I am 5’ 6.5”. People talk about genetics, and I guess in some ways mine are favorable. I also didn’t eat like complete crap all day, every day. I was simply that party, weekend warrior. I didn’t really go out during the week, and when it came to work, I was always responsible.

I would say the most difficult part about blogging for now is how to tie everything together without making the story too “choppy.” That is why (as of now), I am breaking it down into topics. As women, I think there are a few topics that can make us doubt how valuable, worthy, and deserving we really are of true love. True self-love, and true love from the partners we end up with.

I met my first real love at seventeen years old. I could keep him anonymous, but since Rob has always written songs about me… F that hahahaha. If he can sing about me, then I will write about him. I may even put his address in here lol. Totally kidding. We actually have zero hard feelings towards each other. I have to insert him in this part of the story because it was a time in my life when the desire to be “skinny,” flipped over to simply needing to control SOMETHING. Rob and I broke up eleven years ago. It took me about three years to realize I didn’t want the antithesis of him. It took him about seven years to be truly sorry. It took me about ten years to be able to say I really loved him. Why? Because until recently, I was dead set on always being a strong, bad ass, determined woman to make everyone think I could survive everything, and did not care about anything I had ever been through. You know what that is called? EGO. Real strength is kicking your ego to the curb. Real strength is being honest about how you feel, and knowing that being emotional doesn’t make you weak. Real strength is vulnerability and cowards hide their emotions.

One thing we must realize is that our flaws and demons will always be there, but with self-awareness you can always put them in their place. One of my biggest flaws is trying to not be a “human.” Ninety-nine percent of the time I am so happy, and at peace, but when that 1% comes along, I literally feel extremely overwhelmed, and the minute I admit to my mom, Lori, Shredz or Melisa that I am upset about something, I feel weak. These are my people. I still will not admit to many people when I have gut-wrenching, heartache. I am working on it. I am lucky to have them remind me that I too, am human.

I feel that this is a good place to end this week’s blog. I know that the next part of my story is more complicated, and I don’t want to feel rushed to fit it all in. I always follow my intuition, and just know in my heart that this is a good place to stop.

This week I challenge us all to be honest about how we feel. You don’t necessarily have to share it with anyone, but just be honest with yourself. You may feel wonderful, hopeful, and positive or you may feel uncomfortable, sad, and not where you want to be in life. How you feel is NEVER wrong. Our feelings make us human.

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“When ego is lost, limit is lost. You become infinite, kind and beautiful.” Yogi Bhajan

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To Be Continued……

All My Love,

Reenie

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