Are You Hungry? (Part 1)

Are you hungry???

Food is EVERYWHERE. It is necessary for survival, but the cold, hard, truth is that there is so much more that goes into food than simply using it to fuel our bodies. I have my own, long history with food, and because of that and the intricacy that is involved with this subject, I see myself needing multiple blog posts to really get down into the nitty- gritty details, and how I overcame my own disordered eating habits.

Here we go with part one...

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When was the last time food was simply food to you? How old were you? As I touched on in my very first post, I remember thinking my thighs were fat at eleven years old. Eleven! That’s horrifying. I don’t know about you girls (maybe even guys), but I think it would be nice to drift back into time just to observe my younger self during a period when I didn’t know anything about a calorie. At the risk of sounding like a grandma right now, I have to tell you that back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram, Facebook or even more than dial up Internet.Every woman was basically told the same thing to lose weight. Eat 1200calories, and do cardio. Now I think it’s important to touch on the environment you were raised in. Take a look at the adults you were surrounded by and their own habits. As children, we are like sponges, and who really knows what is absorbed into our brains when we were young. I can tell you this about my environment, my mom compared herself to everyone! Am I fatter than her? She’d ask as we took our long walks. My mom had her own history of disordered eating,weighing a mere 89lbs when she got married. She’s 5’3 for reference. We are a small boned set of ladies, my mom & I. Funny thing is, she hated her thighs, too. She would joke saying she married my dad because his thighs were bigger than hers, but clearly this was the body part she was focused on. Her own eating history represented anorexia. She was never diagnosed or hospitalized, but she was a restrictive eater. You must want to know how did I grow up? My mom feared us being anorexic, so she never cut us off at two Oreos or a scoop of ice cream, she didn’t want us to fear food and become anorexic.This was her way of promoting a healthy body image to us. My mom is a total,soft-spoken, sweetheart, and I am a bit of a ball buster. In my old age, I love making fun of her. I tell her she made me fat because she let me crush sleeves of Oreos and bags of Tostitos after high school. We were also raised in the“clean plate club.” We had to finish our plates or we couldn’t get up from the table. I hate this rule, and will never use it if I have kids. Sorry mom and dad, but this is the dumbest rule of all time lol. I think this ruins a child’s innate feeling of satiety.

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What kind of food environment did you grow up in? Were you rewarded for good behavior with food? Was dessert the norm? What were your parents’ eating styles? Asking yourself these questions will help you become aware of patterns you may have today.

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I bought my first calorie counting book in high school. There was no My FitnessPal, heck, there was no iPhone. Now I have to admit, I actually have an amazing long-term memory, but I cannot remember if I tried to not eat for a few days in grade school or if it was high school. I actively tried not to eat. I’ve had limited conversations about my history with food. Sometimes it takes years, and different circumstances to really become self-aware of our past behaviors. Not eating for a few days didn’t work for me. I had zero knowledge, and zero clue of how to change my body. In high school I did run track & cross-country. I lifted weights, but it was limited. In my senior year of high school, I got really sick. I had a urinary tract infection, and then on NYE we drank alcohol. (Sorry dad.... again. Poor guy.) This whole blog is going to me apologizing to my dad about things he never knew. Long story short, drinking alcohol turns UTI’s into a major issue. I threw up for days, and when I say days, I mean a week! By the time we went to the doctor I had to be put on strong antibiotics as the infection moved upwards towards my kidneys. As I started to get better my appetite had significantly decreased, and I decided to hang on to this feeling. I had already lost about 5-7 pounds. I kept it up for months. I remember exactly what I ate! A small bagel with butter for breakfast, a pretzel for lunch, 55 goldfish and a diet coke as a snack, and a small portion at dinner. Yes, I counted out 55 goldfish. If had to guess this was around 1000 calories a day! I had given up sports at this point, and all I did was work and socialize. The only way I realized how much weight I had lost was when I went to the tailor to get my pants fixed. The woman there said to me, “You must have lost 25-30 pounds, I looked like a bobble head. I can’t really remember how much I weighed exactly in high school, but it was around 136 pounds. That is FAR from fat at 5’ 6.5. I must have ended up at between 112-115. I was now a size 0! If you know me in real life, then you know I just love laughing and making people laugh. I always say this illness was the best thing that ever happened to me lol. I don’t mean it, but it did help me see that I had some damn strong will power. This began my history of restrictive eating. I was NOT trying to be anorexic. I simply wanted to be skinny. This was a time in our culture when there was no such thing as “too thin.” I cannot even remember seeing any women with muscles. I would stare at women with thin legs in complete awe. Here I was with an emaciated upper body thinking if only I could get my legs smaller. A size 0, and I wanted to be smaller.

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I remember going to my senior prom, and eating the dinner they served. I was inso much pain because of the indigestion. My poor body was not used to eating anything other than the foods I mentioned above. Years later, my mom finally admitted to me that she and my dad were really worried about me. They didn’t want to say anything because honestly they are scared of me hahahaha. Well not scared, but raise your hand if you are the child who would do the opposite of anything your parents told you to do. Yep, I am the rebel, middle child. I am better now.....sometimes.

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When I went off to college I gained weight, but it is only because we went out three to four nights a week. Natty Lite & late night pizza is not calorie free. I told you I was 90% partier, 10% grandma. The funny thing is the 10 pounds I gained was extremely necessary, but I was so used to seeing my teeny-tiny frame, I thought I was fat. I was 125 pounds, at the most. I didn’t workout in college...unless you consider dancing on tables, and curling red solo cups working out.

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My desire to be “skinny” wouldn’t turn into anything deeper until I reached a time in my life where I seemed to be losing control, and was grasping onto anything I could to keep me sane. This part of the journey is way to complicated to be in part 1. So here I will leave you.

This week my challenge for us all is to practice gratitude for that one “area,” we want to change. I have come to love these legs that have carried me around for 37 years, but it was only by being grateful for them day after day after day. Then one day I woke up looked in the mirror, and said I really like my legs, and I meant it.

“You are allowed to be both a masterpiece, and a work in progress, simultaneously.” Sophia Bush

To Be Continued……

All My Love,

Reenie

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